All-Musician Soccer Team

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich recently joined Men in Blazers to name his soccer team comprised of only musicians. I haven’t seen Lars’s list, but because he is a mediocre drummer who likes to sue music fans, I’m sure his lineup is about as interesting as any Metallica album after 1991. Instead, I’ve come up with my own team. Some are musicians who have in fact played. Some I only wish did.

Goalkeeper

Mick Fleetwood

Fleetwood is 6’6″ and as Fleetwood Mac’s drummer has quick hands and is used to sitting in the back while the glory happens in front of him.

Defenders

Snoop Dogg (Right Back)

Snoop is quite the sports fan who supports multiple teams in every major league — including soccer clubs such as Manchester United, Chelsea, AC Milan, Ajax, Barcelona and even small clubs like Norwich City and Arsenal. His appreciation of the sport and displays of athletic ability at NBA All-Star Celebrity games is good enough to earn a spot in  the back line.

Peter Steele (Center Back)

Steele measured in at 6’8″ but his height is not the only reason he’s at the center of defense. The bassist/singer of Type O Negative also spent a lot of time in the weight room. Combine his size with his long black hair and menacing stare, he’s an intimidating presence in the face of attacking players.

Krist Novoselic (Center Back)

At 6’7″ Novoselic’s not only tall but his stage antics during his Nirvana days showed his athleticism. He also lived part of his youth in Croatia, which has produced solid defenders such as Darijo Srna, Vedran Ćorluka and Dario Šimić.

Jimi Hendrix (Left Back)

Having played soccer with Bob Marley backstage at gigs, Hendrix was familiar with the sport. Being left-handed, the greatest guitar player of all time is a natural fit at left back.

Midfielders

Rod Stewart (Defensive Midfielder)

Stewart came from a footballing family, captained his school team and had professional trials before devoting his attention to music. He once said, “There are the only two things I can do, actually — play football and sing.” A center back in his youth, the Celtic supporter’s playing experience makes him an effective defensive midfielder and captain of this team.

Robert Pollard (Central Midfielder)

A star baseball, basketball and football athlete in high school, Pollard played NCAA Division 1 baseball at Wayne State University, where he once pitched a no hitter. Additionally, the genius behind Guided By Voices (along with his brother Jimmy Pollard) were inducted into their high school’s hall of fame. Years of band leadership, an above average athletic resume and his patent high kicks make Pollard right for a box-to-box midfield role.

Robert Plant (Right Attacking Midfielder)

Not only is he a devoted Wolverhampton Wanderers supporter, but Plant is one of the club’s vice presidents. As front man for Led Zeppelin, he’s used to being at the side of an attack while Jimmy Page often took the spotlight. As a lefty, he’d be able to make runs into the center and take shots from the right.

Prince (Central Attacking Midfielder)

Dave Chappelle and Charlie Murphy weren’t kidding — Prince was a very good basketball player. His athletic ability was always on display on stage with his excellent dance moves. So only 5’2″ tall, he could use his quickness, agility and balance to cut through defenders à la Messi.

Bob Marley (Left Attacking Midfielder)

Few musicians are as associated with soccer as Bob Marley. There are countless photographs of a sweat suit- or shorts-clad Marley on a field dribbling or juggling a ball. In those images, the bar is never far from his foot. Such control makes him the perfect winger.

Forward

Win Butler

Having played varsity basketball in prep school, the 6’5″ leader of Arcade Fire recently won MVP of the 2016 NBA All-Star Celebrity Game. He also won a 3-point contest against then Toronto Raptor Amir Johnson. Butler knows how to score, so he’s the right person to be up to leading the attack.